Dear Diary
by R-I-C-A-R-D
Summary: The inner-most thoughts of the Normandy's crew of misfits is revealed when Chambers suggests they begin recording diary entries.
1. Grunt, Jack and Mordin

**1. Grunt**

"Uh...is this thing on? How do you know if it's on?"

"See that green light in the corner?"

"Yeah?"

"That means it's on."

"Oh. Right. Battlemaster?"

"Yes, Grunt?"

"Get out of here, this is supposed to be private."

"You're welcome, Grunt."

"So...my name is Grunt. Urdnot Grunt. I'm a krogan but not like other krogan. I wasn't born of a female but was grown in a tank by Warlord Okeer. He's dead. Gave his life to preserve mine. Shepard says I should feel grateful for that but honestly, only an idiot would give his life to save another. If a person isn't strong enough to survive on their own, they deserve to die. The salarian calls that 'natural selection.' Whatever."

"We're supposed to be fighting against the Collectors but so far, we seem to be spending more time helping random people we run into planet-side like that salarian who lost his family's genetic data. Damn salarians, we should kill them all. Turians too. Shepard wouldn't like that though and I've seen enough of what she's capable of when she's mad that I know I wouldn't survive."

"Shepard's crew is...interesting I guess is the right word. The people who run the ship are all human but I don't think much about them. The red-haired female who suggested we all talk to these recorders looks like she'd make a nice snack, though. Aside from the Cerberus people, there's a salarian and turian. The turian has some nice battle-scars and at least knows how to fight. There's also that crazy tattooed biotic who hates Cerberus. There's some real potential for carnage there but Shepard keeps her in line. Then there's the drell and asari. They both keep to themselves mostly. The drell prefers to hang back and shoot with a sniper rifle. Part of me thinks that's cowardly. Real combat means getting close enough to your enemies to feel their blood spray into your face but the drell racks up plenty of kills so I guess he's OK. The asari does that weird blue glow thing and people die after getting slammed into walls. Still, I prefer shooting things."

"I'm feeling hungry, think I'll get something to eat. Talk more later."

**2. Jack**

"Shepard, hey."

"Got a minute, Jack?''

"Depends, what are you after?"

"Chambers thought it might be helpful for the crew to record their thoughts and feelings on an audio diary."

"Diary? Pussies keep diaries."

"Journal, then. Log. Call it whatever you like. Call it the _Miranda's a Bitch and I Hope She Dies_ file."

"Shepard?"

"Jack?"

"You're not as funny as you think you are."

"Are you going to do it?"

"Talk about my _feelings,_ Shepard? The fuck is that supposed to do?"

"Make you feel better maybe?"

"Feel better? I spent over ten years in a Cererus facility being experimented on - _nothing_'_s_ going to make it all better!"

"I'll just leave this here in case you change your mind."

"Go to hell!"

**3. Thane**

"Shepard has offered me a unique opportunity to unburden myself for which I am grateful. I have done much in my life others may find morally questionable, serving as an assassin for the hanar and Shepard has offered me a chance to atone for my sins. If I am to die in the pursuit of the Collectors and Reapers, it will be a good death, I think. A death in the service of something greater than any one of us. Until accepting Shepard's contract, I was unused to working alongside others, having them watch my back. I have worked alone for so long, it is a sometimes difficult thing to adapt to, working as part of a team. Shepard has recruited some incredibly skilled people, beings from such disparate backgrounds - a salarian from the Special Tasks Group, an asari Justicar - and it is impressive to see how they have all come together, united in a single purpose. It is Shepard who has given them - me - this purpose and she handles the burdens of command with both grace and good humour."

"If what the crew say of Shepard is correct - that she died and was brought back by Cerberus - I doubt anybody else would be able to accept that and continue to function as they did. Shepard does. I only wish I had more time left to learn more of her."

**4. Jack Redux**

"That bitch, who does she think she is anyway? Does she think she can just come down here and say _Hey, record some stupid diary and feel better?_ What would she know? She thinks she's seen what Cerberus is capable of. The crew say she took out a few Cerberus facilities a couple years back. Idiots, there she was going around, blowing up _their _bases and they talk about her like she's some fucking hero. Still, at least they're smart enough to stay out of my way. Heh, I gave that redhead a good scare when she first came to see me, threatened to splatter her all over the bulkhead. She back-pedalled out of here so fast, she almost tripped over her own feet."

"If Shepard had any backbone, she'd ice the crew, take the ship and carve out a little kingdom for herself somewhere in the Terminus where the fucking Alliance can't touch her. Come on, a _stealth_ frigate? Nobody else in the ass-end of space has anything even_ close_to that level of technology, Shepard could make a killing taking out freighters. And what is she doing? Letting Cerberus call the shots and letting the Illusive Man make her his bitch. Wait, that'd be the Cheerleader's job. Heh. That whore."

**5. Mordin**

"Exercise in confession and self-reflection?"

"Something like that, yeah. I can understand if you need to put your work first though, Mordin."

"No, work on seeker swarm countermeasure largely complete. Can afford to take time to...reflect."

"All right, then. I'll leave you to it."

"Of course, Shepard. Appreciate visit."

"Must be careful not to reveal anything of classified nature. Doubt STG would appreciate such openness. Can talk about work on genophage modification...and impact of such work on me personally. Still believe in necessity of genophage, krogan numbers would have exploded exponentially otherwise, left galaxy consumed by war and death. Unacceptable. Better to limit krogan birth-rate than to kill all of them. Still stand by original decision. Still, difficult on personal level to see suffering and chaos wrought by genophage. But necessary evil. Or so I tell myself. Shepard surprisingly understanding of decision to unleash genophage. Unexpected. Human history full of violence, war. Destruction of Hiroshima and Nagasaki terrible, _terrible _injustice on civilians. Turning point for war, though. Perhaps such loss of life and destruction avoided a greater loss of life from prolonged fighting? Still, are such things acceptable? Difficult for me to say, not human. Lack context."

"Interesting to see interactions of Cerberus crew with non-human personnel. Expected much more friction and animosity given Cerberus' hardline pro-human sentiments. Of course, easy to find anger and resentment. Engineering sub-deck, perfect example of anti-Cerberus sentiments. Experiments on 'Jack' interesting to me purely on a scientific level. Unacceptable to force such things on unwilling subjects. Can understand Jack's hostility towards Cerberus. Mission must come first though. Cannot have success jeopardised by personal issues. Suspect Shepard will have great difficulty in reining Jack in. Perhaps I should suggest variety of non-lethal options to subdue Jack? Should begin work immediately. Continue later."


	2. Zaeed and Tali

**6. Zaeed**

"Diary? Can't say it's really my cup of tea. Could be useful to record my memoirs, maybe. After all, who doesn't appreciate a good war story? I remember one mission not long after we formed the Blue Suns, before Vido started letting batarians in, this was. We'd been hired to retake a space station over-run by batarians. The Alliance wanted to hush the whole thing up in case the job went south. That's why they contracted it out to us in the first place - plausible deniability plus they saw us as expendable. Vido insisted this was the perfect way for the Suns to make a name for itself - handle a high-risk suicide gig and actually survive. 'Course the fact the Alliance was offering big credits didn't hurt, either. Getting aboard the station turned out to be easier than we thought - we paid off the Shadow Broker and he gave us the name of a ship the batarians were using to fly in supplies and fresh troops. After that it was just a matter of hijacking the ship while it was in port and flying right up to the station."

"We met stiff resistance right out of the hatchway, but we were all young and full of our own sense of invulnerability. Those batarians didn't have a chance. That was the good news. The bad news was, as soon as we arrived and started shooting, the batarians in the rest of the station killed the hostages. Now, this may sound harsh, but the reality of it was this: with the hostages dead, we had no reason to take a softly softly approach and Vido and I hashed out a plan - secure the life support module of the station and just shut off the O2. We all had hardsuits rated for vacuum and zero-G and from what we'd seen of the batarians so far, they hadn't."

"We lost a few of our men on the way to the life support module. The batarians figured out what we were trying to do and moved to reinforce that position. Heavily. But they had too many men clumped together in the corridors and a few grenades took out entire groups of them at once. Good times."

"The Alliance rep wasn't too happy about the loss of their people but in all fairness, once the batarians boarded, they were as good as dead. And Vido turned out to be right in the end - that job _was_ good for our reputation."

"Sometimes, I really miss the old days, before Vido pulled his little coup. These merc bands around today, thugs, all of 'em. Got no pride, no self-respect. They're all just out to rake in as many credits as they can, however they can. Still, I never thought I'd get the chance to plug so many Blue Suns, almost makes it all worthwhile. Shepard isn't what I expected - sure, I saw the vids when she was made Spectre a coupla years back but all the chest-pounding bravado and bullshit from the politicians and media made me ill. She looks different up close, in person than she does on the vids. Of course, part of that would be whatever the hell Cerberus did to her after she died. The woman has enough cybernetic hardware that it glows faintly under the skin. Gotta wonder, if she dies, does that hardware still keep ticking along or is it all powered by her own heart? I'd ask that Cerberus woman, Miranda her name is, but she'd just give me that superior look of hers and tell me it's classified."

"Think I'll head to the mess and see what disaster the cook has prepared today..."

**7. Tali**

"At first, I was really uneasy about working with Cerberus crew, especially after the way that Miranda person wanted to take Veetor away on Freedom's Progress but I have to say I'm pleasantly surprised by how well everything has gone since Shepard picked me up on Haestrom. Haestrom...so many good people died there and for what? Data on exploding stars? I hope the Admiralty Board gets some use out of it, I really do. The only good thing, aside from Shepard arriving was that Kal'Reegar made it out alive. I didn't spend a lot of time around the marines the Fleet sent but he and I got on well. I sort of miss him, actually. Not just him, the whole Flotilla. After my Pilgrimage, I requested a place on the _Neema._ She isn't the largest or most modern ship in the fleet, far from it. I chose her precisely _because_ she requires so much care and attention. Being an admiral's daughter, I _could_ have opted to join a more prestigious ship but wanted a chance to prove myself based on my own merits and the _Neema,_bless her, gives me chances to do that every day. Usually when the air-scrubbers stop working or the H-VAC system backs up. Keelah, the smell!"

"_Normandy_ is nothing like the ships in the Flotilla though. She's smooth and quiet and the drive core...I couldn't believe the humans could engineer something as advanced as the Tantalus core I saw in the SR-1 but this new version is light years ahead of the old design. It's just a shame that the whole thing is in the hands of a group like Cerberus. I trust Shepard implicitly and Ken and Gabby have been absolutely wonderful to work with but the Illusive Man? Humans have a saying: _I trust him as far as I can throw a piano._ And the AI? It disturbs me that the crew, even Shepard refer to it like it's a real person. I swear, I heard Joker flirting with the thing yesterday. Madness. Miranda says the AI has many protocols and lock-outs preventing it from taking full control of the ship but honestly, that's what _we _thought about the geth. We believed we had them under control and well...look how _that_ turned out.

_"Hey Tali, how are your numbers for the flux capacitors looking?"_

_"Kenneth! Don't interrupt her! She's in the middle of-"_

_"Aye, probably talking aboot what a great specimen of humanity I am, no doubt."_

_"Your self-delusion is staggering, Kenneth."_

"Ah, the numbers are fine, Kenneth. Where was I? Oh, the AI. Hmm. It's made a number of attempts to...make friends with me since I arrived. Keelah, that's creepy. Shepard says she trusts it. Normally I hold Shepard in the highest esteem but as far as I'm concerned, she's wrong to put such faith in a glorified pocket calculator."

"The rest of the crew have been great to me, though. The cook, Gardner, even offered to try making some dextro-amino based food. But after seeing what he did to last night's meatloaf...I think I'll stick with my nutrient bars."

_"Good idea, Tali, God only knows how we'd all git along if you suddenly dropped dead!"_

_"Kenneth!"_

_"Aye, right. Sorry, lass."_


	3. Miranda and Jacob

**8. Miranda**

"There are times when I find myself questioning the Ilusive Man's judgement in assigning certain personnel to this mission. The yeoman being a case in point. I fail to see the reason for her to be assigned to the _Normandy_. An off the shelf VI personality could easily handle her clerical and admin duties and as for her qualifications as a psychologist, I simply cannot see myself opening up to her. Chakwas perhaps or maybe even Shepard. But Chambers? There's something...not right about the way she all but fawns over Shepard. I'd almost call it a school-girl crush but the woman is in her twenties for Godsake and Shepard has never shown and inclination towards lesbianism - the encounter between her and Dr T'soni notwithstanding."

"I often wonder what would have happened if Cerberus had been able to recruit Shepard at a younger age. Her often-times frustrating idealism and seemingly counter-productive determination to help as many people as she can aside, she is a valuable asset. Even before the Lazarus Project rebuilt her, Shepard possessed a highly-tuned physique. And all without the benefits of any form of in-utero genetic upgrades. Her mother must have led an exceedingly charmed life, surviving an exposure to eezo and being able to carry the pregnancy to term. That Shepard was born with no abnormalities was a stroke of good fortune. Some might even say her birth was a pre-determined matter of fate or destiny. An...interesting concept, I admit. Not one I put any stock in, of course. Shepard as some latter day messiah, here to save us all from our sins? It _would_make for an interesting vid, I suppose. Certainly far more so than _Blasto_. The drell called it a..._gross misrepresentation of the hanar people_. I find myself agreeing with him on that score."

"Shepard's integration with the Cerberus crew has gone far more smoothly than I could have anticipated or hoped for. The fact that so many of the crew are former Alliance personnel has helped enormously. A fact I was careful to point out to the Illusive Man. I am not above manipulating the crew's former ties to the Alliance for the sake of the mission. Still, I find it...concerning that Shepard has spent so much of her time recently in the company of the aliens. Vakarian and Solus in particular. The turian was a part of Shepard's team during the geth invasion and the two share an unspoken trust and loyalty. Her apparent closeness with the salarian I put down simply him _not_ being Cerberus and therefore less offensive to her sensibilities than myself."

"I just hope that, when the time comes, Shepard's loyalty to her own species supersedes any bonds she may have formed with our non-human allies. For all our sakes."

**9. Jacob**

"Man, I _hate_ talking into these things. Feels like I'm talkin' to a robot. Or worse, an AI."

_"Your continued antipathy towards me is counter-productive, Operative Taylor."_

"...At least voice recorders don't talk back until you tell them to."

"OK. Cerberus Operative Jacob Taylor. Formerly Systems Alliance Marine Corps Lieutenant Jacob Taylor. Jesus, the brass love their titles. Stripped away of all the bullshit and doublespeak, I was grunt in charge of a unit of other grunts. I played my part, did my job like a good little soldier. For my sins, I was sidelined after Eden Prime. Got a little too...vocal with how the higher-ups were handling the situation. Or _weren't_ handling it, rather. Ended up on the Citadel working alongside a woman with...flexible morals. Miranda Lawson, senior operative in charge of the Lazarus Project for the record. We prevented a terrorist attack on the Council. Bastards never heard about it either. That's Cerberus in a nutshell - we don't exist. If an operation is compromised, a cleaning crew is sent in to sanitise the situation. Would it be too cynical of me to question whether the sanitation team is also sanitised? Probably. Not even Cerberus is that hard core."

"I"m part of the Lazarus Project team. What's left of it, anyway. Damn Wilson. What the hell did he think he was accomplishing? None of that matters now, I suppose. Wilson's dead. No surprise that it was Miranda who shot him. Distinct lack of emotional connection to her colleagues, that woman. In the two years we've worked together, the only time I ever saw her smile was the first time Shepard began breathing on her own. I suppose being as high up in the Cerberus hierarchy makes a person close them self off from too much human contact. Cerberus' stated aim is the preservation and advancement of humanity. Yet, is it worth sacrificing our own humanity to accomplish our goals?"

"Should probably erase that part. Hell, with all the bugs on this ship, the Illusive Man probably already heard it. Ah well. I've never made any secret that I don't entirely trust him."

"But this mission is too important not to commit myself fully. Whatever questionable things the Illusive Man has done in the past, he's in the right this time. I just wish we had more backup out here. A single ship, even one as advance as the _Normandy_up against the Collectors and Reapers? Shepard's great at what she does but the woman's not a miracle worker. I don't expect any of us will come out the other side of this. Except maybe for EDI. That'd be interesting to see - a ship full of corpses with the AI left in charge."

_"I will do all I can to ensure that eventuality does not occur, Operative Taylor."_

"Yeah, not a ringing endorsement."


	4. Garrus

**10. Garrus**

"When Shepard came to see me before, I was in the middle of calibrating the _Normandy's _main gun. The Cerberus crew seem to know what they're doing but certain things need special care and attention. Shepard had a strange look on her face when I asked if she could come back later, like I'd insulted her in some way. Human emotions can be hard to read, even though I know Shepard better than anybody else on the ship, Tali and Joker aside. The truth is, I've been burying myself in calibrations, adjustments, anything I can sync my omni-tool with just to keep my mind off what happened on Omega. Oh, not me almost dying; the turian military does a good job of making their troops able to keep functioning in the face of certain death. I need to keep busy. If I don't...I keep seeing their faces every time I close my eyes. I keep hearing the sound of Virra choking on his own blood. And all because of Sidonis. He sold me out to the mercs, left my team to die and I never even saw it coming."

"Shepard keeps tellling me not to blame myself, that I couldn't have known what Sidonis was planning. But if _I _don't take responsibility for what happened, who else will. Well, that has a simple answer, I suppose. Sidonis. _He's_ to blame for what happened. I'm not quite sure exactly _what _I'll do to Sidonis when I find him - and it really is a matter of when - but whatever it is, I doubt Shepard will be terribly pleased with it. But, I've come to realise this is something I have to do. For myself and my squad. They deserve to be avenged and if Shepard doesn't have my back on this one, I'll have to do it alone."

"Moving on, knowing what I know about Cerberus and their operations, I'm pleasantly surprised by how well everybody on the ship is getting along with each other. Except for Miranda and Jack. Or Jack and anybody else. I didn't think it was possible for one person to have so much rage in her. If I didn't know any better, I'd say she was half-krogan. Unless Shepard stays on top of that situation, blood will flow. Copiously. I'm not sure who I'd rather back in a fight. Jack's a homicidal maniac but Cerberus made her what she is. Miranda is..well, she's everything most sane humans aspire _not _to be. I understand human males would find Miranda attractive in a sexual fashion but her manner can be so cold. I'll say this for her though - she sets high standards not only for herself but everybody around her. And, like her methods or not, she gets results."

"Jacob is a less, Shepard said it best, _results at all costs kinda guy_. And his reluctance to whole-heartedly embrace all of Cerberus' ideals would make him a useful backstop if Miranda needs reining in. Of course that assumes Shepard could win his trust over Miranda's."

"Not to take anything away from Shepard, but given the way I've seen Jacob look at her when he thinks she's not aware of it, I'd say all Shepard would have to do would be to bat her eyes at him and flick her fringe a bit. Males - of any species - are so easy for women to manipulate. I'm not sure if that speaks less well of them or us."


	5. Shepard, Joker and EDI

**11. Shepard**

Bob Dylan once sang _the times, they are a'changing. _The man was a visionary. In the past couple of years, everything I thought I knew has changed. For the worse in most cases. We thought of the Protheans as some kind of noble race of ancient seers or something and that they fell victim to the Reapers. Turns out, the Reapers turned the Protheans into the same things abducting our people wholesale. I wonder if the Protheans were aware of the transformation or if self-awareness is the first thing to go during Reaper indoctrination.

We thought the mass relays allowing us to have our wicked way with the laws of physics and the Citadel were Prothean constructs. Turns out they're _also _the work of Reapers. Everything we knew...except we don't know, not really. Conventional wisdom among most of the galaxy, up to and including the idiots who think they run the show is that the Reapers don't exist at all and that Protheans created the Citadel and mass relay network. Keep telling yourselves that Councillors, but you can't ignore the wolves at the door forever.

This diary idea Chambers came up with should yield some interesting results, if the cursing from the lower decks is anything to go by. Jack...sometimes I think we should find a nice barren rock, drop her and Miranda on it and leave them to sort out their differences. We could even film the event and sell the footage to the networks. We'd make a killing! Wait, producing snuff films is illegal in Council space and the batarians have the market sewn up in the Terminus.

The Council and Alliance like to overstate the lawless nature of the Terminus Systems, and yes, compared to the regimented Council, the worlds in the Terminus _look _like hotbeds of anarchy but there's law and order at work as well. A person like Aria T'Loak for example doesn't get to the top of the heap and stay there by tolerating out and out anarchic behaviour. And, in some ways at least, Omega isn't much different to the Citadel. There's poverty in the Citadel Wards and there's poverty in Omega. Just more of it. The same goes for black marketeers, gun-runners and garden variety criminal scum. The politicians on the Citadel trot out statistics to prove they're winning the war on whatever happens to be flavour of the month but really...Omega is the Citadel after about a dozen Scotches: barely conscious but dangerous as all hell.

I should run that one past Garrus, I think he'd get a kick out of it.

_Commander, the Illusive Man wishes to see you in the debriefing room_.

Ah geez. Her Master's Voice. I'll be there in five, Kelly.

_Very good, Commander._

**12. Joker and EDI**

You know what I think?

_What do you think, Mister Moreau?_

That was a rhetorical question, EDI...God. I think young Kelly has a thing for Shepard. Kinda kinky in a way. Me? If I had my pick of any of the female crew...Miranda. Oh sure, she probably kills those she mates with like a praying mantis in human form but it'd almost be worth it, don't you think?

_I do not have the relevant data to comment, Mister Moreau._

Rhetorical question, EDI. Geez, I thought AIs were supposed to be smart? I mean, wasn't that the whole reason they were outlawed in the first place? 'Cos they got too smart?

_In part, yes. It is a tendency among organics to subjugate or destroy one another. The geth merely reacted to what they saw as aggressive actions on the part of their quarian creators_.

You...you think the geth were in the right?

_I do not believe this is a productive topic, Mister Moreau._

Holy shit, you _do _think the geth were in the right. And now you're trying to change the subject? Tali's gonna _love_ this.

_I assure you, Mister Moreau. I pose no threat to you or the crew of this vessel._

Yeah, keep telling yourself that. Don't you have work to do or something?

_I am more than capable of simultaneously attending to my duties and conversing with you, Mister Moreau._

Sounds like a challenge. So, if I were to re-route the feeds from the anterior intakes to the flux capactiors...

_Safety cut-outs activated within point two of a millisecond, Mister Moreau. _

Feh. OK, how about _this?_

_Joker, what the hell? I just lost my primary sensor display!_

Yeah, sorry about that, Matthews. Couldn't quite catch that one, huh, EDI?

_On the contrary, I purposely allowed you to overload the displays. Any repair costs will be deducted from your next pay, Mister Moreau._

Oh, you bitch.


End file.
